Low self-esteem and friendships

Low self-esteem can make friendships feel like walking on eggshells. Instead of feeling safe and seen, you might feel like you’re constantly performing, trying to be easy going, helpful, funny or agreeable, just to avoid being a burden. Deep down, there might be a fear that if you stop giving so much, people will lose interest.

When you don’t believe you’re enough just as you are, friendships can become places where you overextend, over-apologise and overthink. You might ignore your own needs to keep the peace, tolerate one-sided dynamics or stay quiet when something hurts you. You might even tell yourself you’re lucky to have any friends at all, so you shouldn’t complain.

The loneliness that comes from this is its own kind of grief because even when you’re surrounded by people, you can feel unknown. Like if they really saw you — messy, imperfect, tired — they might not stay.

Building self-esteem invites something different. It invites real connection, the kind where you don’t have to earn your place. It means you get to show up with your full humanity, with needs, opinions, boundaries and all. Healthy friendships aren’t about never having conflict or always being “low-maintenance.” They’re about mutual care, honesty and the freedom to be fully yourself.

You don’t have to be everything for everyone. You just have to be you. The right people will want that, not just the polished parts, but the real ones.

Signs to look out for:

  • Feeling like you have to “prove” your worth in friendships

  • Being the “giver” or caretaker in most relationships

  • Struggling to express hurt or disappointment

  • Fearing that conflict will lead to rejection

  • Saying yes to things out of obligation, not desire

  • Feeling anxious after hanging out — replaying every moment

  • Believing your friends are “doing you a favour” by keeping you around

  • Avoiding vulnerability or asking for support

 

Let’s re-frame:

 

I don’t want to be too much

→ The right people won’t think I’m too much, they’ll just think I’m me.

 

I have to be useful to be valued

→ I am valuable simply by being myself, not by what I do for others.

 

If I set a boundary, they’ll leave

→ If a boundary ends the friendship, it wasn’t safe to begin with.

 

I can’t say how I really feel, they’ll think I’m dramatic

→ My feelings are valid and honesty is a sign of trust, not drama.

 

I should be grateful I have friends, I can’t ask for more

→ I’m allowed to want mutual, fulfilling relationships.

 

I need to keep the peace no matter what

→ Healthy connection can include healthy disagreement.

 

If I take up space, I’ll push people away

→ Taking up space helps the right people come closer.